With Scars Upon Her Wrists
by Shylar
Summary: Emily is a cutter. JJ finds out. This is a one-shot that I couldn't get out of my head. Depending on responses, it MAY become a story, but for now is just a one off. Please don't read if you're easily triggered, or homophobic.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. If I did JJ wouldn't have left *cries* and Emily wouldn't be going to leave *continues crying* and JJ and Emily would have gotten together looooonnnggg ago!**

**Warning, this fic contains references to self-harm and suicide. It also contains mild femslash (as in, no sex but there is kissing).**

They know something's wrong. I can see it in the way they look at me, the worried glances they throw my way when they think I'm not paying them any attention. They guess at the problem, make subtle attempts (that we don't call inter-team profiling, no matter how much it is) to find out what's wrong. But every time I push them away, or supply a trivial answer to their probing questions.

I got careless. We were at a hotel in Ohio, nowhere near catching our UnSub. It was summer but, of course, I was wearing long sleeved PJs when JJ came knocking. In my defence, it was 3 am and I had been asleep. One careless moment was all it took. I opened the door, still half asleep, without making sure that my sleeves were rolled down.

"Hey Em, we got another b- oh my god, what happened?" Her light blue eyes widen with horror as she sees my wrist, still red and throbbing, decorated with hours-old cuts.

"Nothing. Leave it." I pull my sleeve down, panic rising in my throat and turning my blood to ice.

"Nothing? God, Em…" she steps into the room and shuts the door, grabbing hold of my wrist in one swift movement. I'm frozen with fear as the blonde media liaison pulls back my sleeve, exposing the vicious, raw cuts. "Did you…did you do this?" She asks tentatively, not letting go of my arm. I shake myself free and step away.

"Leave it, JJ. What were you gonna say?" I try to redirect the conversation.

"No, I will not leave it, Em! If you think I'm just going to look the other way while you slowly kill yourself, you obviously don't know me very well." JJ looks pissed. I feel the fight drain out of me.

"Please, JJ…just let me go." I plead, suddenly very tired. A look of panic crosses her face. I think over what I just said. Oops. "Uh, that came out wrong. I didn't mean it like that." I lie.

"Didn't you, Emily? I think you did. I think you want to kill yourself." Anger and frustration swell up inside me.

"So what? What do you care?" I cry out in my frustration.

"What do I care? Are you blind, Emily? Have you seriously not seen that I love you? You don't have to love me, but I will not stand here and let you die!" She almost yells.

"You love me?" I ask in shock. She's crying.

"Yes. God, Emily, everyone knows it!"

"I didn't know." I'm quiet for a second before suspicion bubbles inside of me. "Are you just saying this because of…" I glance at my wrist. JJ shakes her head, sniffling a little as she rummages in her purse and pulls out a photo. It's old, taken a few days after I joined the BAU.

"Flip it over." She says through her tears. On the back, in slightly faded writing, is my name, surrounded by hearts. I walk backwards, slowly, and lower myself so I'm sitting on my bed, staring in shock at the photo.

"This isn't happening." I mutter under my breath, too quietly for her to hear. I raise my head and look at her. "You can't love me." I say, holding out the photo for her to take back.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to tell you, it's just…seeing you like this. I can't, Em, I can't see you like this without trying to help." From the tone in her voice I can tell I really hurt her. She thinks I hate her for loving me, and in a way I do, but not in the way she thinks.

"You're not meant to help, JJ. It isn't meant to be this way." I pause, not sure how to explain to her that happiness was never destined to come my way.

"What way? This way? You'd rather sit alone in a hotel room, slitting your wrists, than let me help you?" She asks, incredulously.

"Yes!" I sob. Maybe, just maybe, she _does_ understand. The look on her face says she doesn't. She looks pissed, and hurt.

"Do you really hate me that much?" Her voice is soft and filled with pain. I stare at her in disbelief.

"No, of course not! I could never hate you, JJ. It's just…" I look down at my bloodstained wrists, wondering how to tell her what so desperately needs to be said, how to make her understand. "I love you, JJ. I love you more than I thought it was possible to love anyone. You need to be happy, and I couldn't offer happiness to a fucking goldfish. You weren't meant to know about this," I gesture at my wrists, "You were meant to fall in love with someone who deserves you, and when I knew you were happy…." That sentence doesn't need to be finished. I've already said too much.

"You are the stupidest person I have ever met, Emily Prentiss! You want to take away the one person I could _ever_ truly love, in order to make sure I'm happy?" She shakes her head. "And you call yourself a profiler." The last bit is said in a teasing tone, the barest hint of a smile on her face. The blonde woman touches my wrists, pulling back as I hiss in pain. "Sorry!" She says. I shake my head.

"Not your fault, I should have fixed them earlier but I fell asleep." I flinch as a tear falls from my face onto my wrist, the salt stinging my wounds.

"Let's go get these fixed up, then we've gotta meet the team." JJ grabs my go-bag, knowing that, like everyone on the team, I have a first-aid kit stored in there.

My long sleeved jacket covers the bandages. I'm not worried about anyone on the team noticing, I mastered the art of hiding it a long time ago, well, when I'm awake anyways.

"Ok, the body of 54 year old Evelyn Marsh was just found, that means the UnSub has found a new victim. JJ, I want you to see if you can get the press to hold off the story. Reid and Morgan, I want you to go to the crime scene, see if you can find any evidence. Prentiss - " Hotch begins.

"I need Emily." JJ cuts him off. He looks surprised.

"What for?" He asks. Damn good question, it's not like she had a job I could help with. I watch her, curiously.

"Uh…I need her to look through the evidence and come up with a plausible story we can offer the media if they won't agree to withhold the story." Hotch raises an eyebrow at her, but doesn't call her on the lie.

"Alright, Emily you're with JJ." He gives her a look that clearly says they are going to have a lovely chat later.

"Seriously, JJ?" I ask, stunned, when she insists on sleeping in my hotel room. In the 20 hours since she woke me up, JJ has not given me even one minute of privacy.

"You think I'm really gonna let you stay in a room, on your own, for an entire night, in your state?" It's a rhetorical question but I answer anyway.

"Well, yeah, I was kinda thinking you would, since, you know, we already discussed that you weren't meant to know." Ok, so I knew she probably wouldn't leave me alone, but I had hoped that maybe she'd come around to seeing it from my point of view.

"You keep saying that, Em, like it's gonna change the fact that I _do_ know. Or that I care for you and don't want anything to happen to you." I roll my eyes, still unconvinced that she actually gives a damn I exist.

"Can I at least go to the bathroom alone?" I don't actually wait for a response, just grab my toiletries bag and a change of clothes and make for the bathroom.

For someone who studies human behaviour for a living, I can be pretty stupid. I knew there was someone who knew my secret. I knew that person was staying in my hotel room, for the sole purpose of ensuring I didn't kill myself. Yet I still cut myself and, believe it or not, expected to get away with it. I probably would have gotten away with it if it weren't for a little bit of bad luck. The blood seeping from my leg made the blade slippery and, as I went to make another cut, it slid from my hand onto the tiled floor with a small clatter. Unfortunately the shower wasn't running so JJ heard the sound and was instantly at the door.

"Emily? What was that? Are you ok? Open the door!" She called, worry evident in her voice.

"I'm fine, JJ." I yelled back, hoping she bought it. No luck.

"Open the door, Em."

"Jesus, JJ, I'm not dressed!" Ok, so that was a lie, but she wasn't to know that.

"We're both girls, Emily, just open the goddamn door before I kick it in!" I quickly shoved the blade into my toiletries bag, wrapped some toilet paper around the cuts on my leg and pulled my PJ pants over the wounds.

"Ok, ok, just a sec!" I didn't have to pretend to sound frustrated. Pulling open the door I gave JJ my best 'what' expression. "Happy?" I asked, standing in the doorway and not letting her in.

"Thought you said you weren't dressed." Shit.

"I got dressed."

"Uh huh." JJ's voice clearly said she didn't believe me, and the way her eyes flickered to my wrists confirmed that. "Let me guess, you got a paper cut getting dressed?" She gestured to my hands. Confused, I glanced at them.

"Oh for fucks sake!" I muttered under my breath. I'd forgotten to wash the blood off, not to mention it was smeared on my toiletries bag from when I'd frantically hidden the blade. I took a step back, letting her into the room.

"Let me help you, Emily." JJ's blue eyes captivated me and I found myself unable to look away.

"I can't." I whispered without breaking the gaze.

"Why not?" She asked, softly.

"I don't deserve it." My response is barely audible.

"Says who?" She challenges, her eyes daring me to find a suitable response. I flinch.

"Says me. Says the world. Says logic." I offer.

"What if I say different?" I don't reply, just stare at her, slightly confused but unwilling to admit it. "What if I say you're it for me? I'd rather die than see you hurt, Emily. Do you understand me?" She flexes her fingers like she's trying to stop herself from shaking me. Slowly, very slowly, I shake my head.

"That makes no sense, JJ. You're beautiful, smart, funny, perfect. I'm something not even a mother could love." My voice hitches as I struggle not to cry.

"Is that what this is about? Your mother not loving you?" She stands in front of me as I perch myself on the bathroom counter. I shrug my shoulders and finally lower my gaze, now staring at my bloodied hands.

"I don't know, JJ. It's everything, and at the same time it's nothing. It just is. And I don't know how to stop it, I don't even know if I can stop it, or if I should. And I love you so much, I hate seeing the worry and hurt in your eyes, but I just can't do this, JJ." I'm crying now, tears mingling with the still-wet blood on my hands.

"We _can_ do this, Emily. We will beat this." She swears, taking my hand. I look at her doubtfully.

"Look, now that we've caught the killer we can head home. I'm gonna call Garcia and get her to book a doctor's appointment for you for tomorrow. This time tomorrow you're gonna be curled up at my place with a good movie, some popcorn and a drink." I shake my head at her words.

"I can't do this." I insist.

"You don't have to do it alone, Emily. I don't care how many times I have to patch you up after you slip up, or how many times neither of us get any sleep because we stay up all night just trying to stay alive. I can't let you do this to yourself, Em. I love you too much for that. You're my one and only." She whispers the last sentence so quietly that I almost don't hear it. I'm reasonably certain I wasn't meant to hear it. I feel something shift inside me, the balance between disbelief and truth finally shifting and I can suddenly feel the truth in her words.

"Kiss me." At first I'm not sure if I said it aloud because she doesn't move. Then she slowly raises her eyes to meet mine and a hint of a smile touches her soft pink lips. She leans forward and catches my lips with her own. I shut my eyes and let my mouth move with hers, losing myself to the feeling. I don't know how much time has passed before we break apart. For the first time, ever, I feel hope.

"I believe you, JJ. We can do this."


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Naturally I do not own Criminal Minds. I wish I did, then I could have JJ/Emily in more than just my imagination and other people's fanfics.

**Author's Notes: Hi everyone, so after a long time I have decided to turn this into a story. It will follow JJ and Emily's relationship as it changes from colleagues and friends to, well, more. It will also follow their journey as they attempt to beat Emily's depression and self-injury. **

Previously:

"Kiss me." At first I'm not sure if I said it aloud because she doesn't move. Then she slowly raises her eyes to meet mine and a hint of a smile touches her soft pink lips. She learns forward and catches my lips with her own. I shut my eyes and let my mouth move with hers, losing myself to the feeling. I don't know how much time has passed before we break apart. For the first time, ever, I feel hope.

"I believe you, JJ. We can do this."

JJ takes my hand in hers, ignoring the blood and tears that have mingled on my hands, and squeezes it gently. I wondered, briefly, if she thought this would be easy, if she was one of those people who thought recovering from self-injury was as simple as taking the blade from the cutter.

"Let me see what you've done this time, Em, so I can help you fix it." JJ requests, her eyes searching my arms and finding no fresh wounds, bar those from this morning. A nervous giggle bubbles up in my throat and escapes before I can smother it.

"No offense, JJ, but I don't think we're quite at the pants off stage yet." I say it in a teasing tone, trying to be humorous to hide my anxious fear. "Besides, I know how to clean up my own messes. You shouldn't see what you don't have to."

"Nice try, Em, but we both know I'm not stupid enough to leave you alone right now, and since you clearly need first aid, and I'm here, I'm going to help." I sigh and squirm uncomfortably on the counter top that I'm still perched on. JJ just looks at me, patient but determined. I know a losing battle when I see one, but it's just so awkward. I bite my lower lip anxiously, considering my options. I could do as she says, but the thought terrifies me, or I could be stubborn and refuse. My inner profiler tells me that would be a bad idea, not only would it even further limit JJ's trust in me, but it would make things harder than they needed to be. I gently eased my pj pants down so they rested mid-thigh and closed my eyes. I may have to let her see my scar ravaged body but I did not have to look at her, did not have to see the disgust in her eyes. A sharp intake of breath, quickly stifled, told me she'd seen the mess of blood and scar tissue. A stubborn tear leaked down my cheek, shame flooding my body and I yanked my pjs back up, opening my eyes but not looking at her.

"Forget it, I can do it myself." I jumped off the counter, wincing in pain but trying not to show it.

"Em-" JJ started, but I couldn't let her finish, couldn't handle hearing what I knew she was going to say.

"It's fine, I'm fine. Just go back to your room, JJ. I'll still be here in the morning." tears were flowing more freely now, but I kept my face turned away from her so she couldn't see.

"Em, that's not -" she tried again, but again I cut her off.

"Go, JJ, please. I can fix this myself."

"Emily, sit your ass down and let me help you!" JJ snapped. Startled, I turned around to see a pair of determined blue eyes that held a hint of anger but no disgust. Silently I slipped back onto the counter top and again pulled my pj pants to reveal the still bleeding wounds. With a calm efficiency JJ opened the first aid kit and set to work. She quickly had my first leg under control, cleaned and bandaged up nicely, but she looked uncertainly from the first aid kit to my second leg and then met my eyes.

"There's a second first aid kit in my go bag." I said quietly. "Just in case..." I trailed off, my own eyes taking in the depleted contents of the original kit. JJ nodded and quickly retrieved my bag, rummaging around for the second kit.

"It's right at the bottom. I can get it if you like." I offered, hoping she would say yes. I didn't want her finding my other kit, the self-injury kit, on her search for the first aid kit.

"It's fine, I found it." She smiled at me and waved the small red box at me. Relieved that my source of blades had not been discovered I returned her smile and lent my head back against the mirror. I don't know what I would have done if JJ had found the self-injury kit. Or rather, I do know. I would have panicked and needed it just to calm down, and then tomorrow I would have gone and purchased more...equipment.

"Done. You can pull your pants up now." JJ said, startling me back into reality. I glanced down at my legs, noting the neat bandages and the cool feel of disinfectant cream. I also noted that despite JJ's claim that I could pull my pants up, she was making no effort to remove her hand from my thigh.

"Um, thanks." I coughed awkwardly, and shifted my weight just enough to get her to move her hand. Not that I didn't want it there, it just wasn't good timing. I didn't want her thinking I was only using her for comfort while I was upset. I didn't want her thinking I was easy, either. But I also didn't want to push her away, so as soon as I'd pulled my pants up I caught her hand in mine, pretending to need help to slither down from the counter, and conveniently failing to let go of her hand once I was back on the ground. Not that she complained.

"You know I'm going to have to talk to Hotch tomorrow. Maybe the day after at the latest." Okay, so not what I wanted to hear! I gulped back my fear and forced my eyes to meet hers.

"No. Not if it's about this." I gestured to myself with my free hand.

"Em, I don't have a choice. He knows something's up. Heck, we all have, for ages, we just haven't been able to get you to trust us enough to let us help you!"

"Because it's my problem, not theirs! It doesn't impact work, my job performance hasn't slipped, so they don't need to know!" God damnit I was crying again. Oh well, better crying than cutting. Although...no, I couldn't let my mind go there. It would only prove her point.

"Look, Em, you can come with me to talk to him if you like. Or I can go alone. Either way, it has to happen. He needs to know. I doubt anything major will happen, he looks after us too well for that. Look at Reid, he had a substance abuse problem and Hotch didn't take him off the team! He just needs to know so he can help you." JJ took my free hand in hers, clasping both my hands in her own.

"But, JJ..." I trailed off. There was nothing I could say. She was right, even if I didn't want Hotch to know, JJ had to tell him. If something happened and I died, JJ needed to have told someone, otherwise she could get reprimanded for not having passed on vital information.

"Fine. Whatever. But I don't want to be there." I knew I could not handle seeing his expression on finding out that tough, independent Emily cried like a baby and cut herself. I could imagine it well enough.

"Okay, I'll talk to him when we're back at the office. You can stay with Garcia while I talk to him, hopefully I can get us both a few days off to start your recovery." That sounded good, well, most of it did.

"Or I could drive myself home, you could talk to him, and then I'll see you at Girl's Night with Garcia on Saturday..." I weedled, hoping she'd agree. No luck.

"Or you could stay with Garcia while I talk with Hotch and then I could take you back to my place where you will stay. We have things to work out, Miss Emily, and not just your unfortunate habit."

I glanced at her in confusion and my stomach came alive with butterflies at the meaningful look she gave me. Oh my god did she really want to have that talk already?!"

Erm, yes, I, uh, I suppose we do." I agreed awkwardly.

"Indeed. But for now let's just try to get some sleep." JJ suggested. The thought of sleep was incredibly welcomed after the emotionally draining day we'd both faced but I wasn't so sure I'd be able to sleep with how jittery and nervous I was. Regardless, I followed JJ over to the bed before stopping and gazing at her questioningly.

"Uh, JJ...maybe I should take the couch, if you're insisting on staying in here with me." I suggested, not at all sure I wanted to but feeling I should at least offer.

"Don't be stupid, Em. We've slept in the same bed before. Besides, it's your hotel room so I should be the one on the couch."

"No! I would never make you sleep on the couch!" I exclaimed before catching sight of the smirk on her face.

"I know, Em. Don't stress. Just get in bed, you goose." She teased as she slipped into the bed. I rolled my eyes and shuffled into the bed awkwardly, trying not to reopen any wounds. Despite my fears I found that sleep was hovering not so far away and I quickly succumbed to its call.

**Author's Notes Again: A reviewer mentioned that self-injury and suicide are not always related, and had concerns about Emily's eligibility to work for the FBI given her self-injury. I just thought I would clarify. Yes, I know that self-injury and suicide are not always related, but no JJ is not merely freaking out. Emily is suicidal. Self-injury and suicide may not always go together but they can, and in this case do. I tried to get that across with some of the things Emily said in my former one-shot. As for her eligibility to work for the FBI...she passed the psych eval, she's trained in studying human behaviour, it's not hard for her to fake a psych eval. The physical though, with her scars, I honestly hadn't considered it, but looking at a police recruitment website (closest thing I could find) I found that yes they do ask about self-injury and so I doubt she would have gotten passed the physical. So, Emily only started cutting after joining the FBI. Before that she had alternative coping strategies but they stopped working so now she cuts.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Here it is, chapter 3 of "With Scars Upon Her Wrists"**

**As always, I do not own Criminal Minds nor any of the characters mentioned (except any characters of my own creation in future chapters).**

The plane ride home is quiet and uneventful. Reid and Morgan play chess for a while, until Morgan concedes defeat. Hotch and Rossi talk quietly, while JJ sits in her usual spot reading a case file. I try to read but after staring blankly at the same page for twenty minutes I decide it's not going to happen and settle for listening to music.

All too soon we land and head into Quantico to debrief on the case. I try to pay attention but I feel sick with nerves, knowing what's coming. I'm jolted out of my thoughts when Hotch announces we can go for the day. While everyone else makes a mass exodus JJ quickly approaches Hotch.

"I need to have a word with you, can I come by your office in a few minutes?" she asks.

"Sure." He says, and although I'm not looking at him I can feel him glancing from JJ to me.

"Come on." JJ has to practically drag me to Garcia's lair, I resist the entire way, arguing that I'm perfectly fine and don't need to be babysat.

"Really, Em? You're gonna try that after last night? I don't think so." She pushes me into Garcia's office and smiles winningly at our friend.

"Hey Garcia! Em's not feeling great, would you be able to make a doctors appointment for her, and keep an eye on her while I chat with Hotch?" JJ asks.

"Sure thing, Sugerplum." Garcia says, twirling a pen around in one hand while pushing a spare chair over to me with her other. "Are you okay?" I see the concern in her eyes and offer a weak smile and a nod. At this point the nerves are making me feel so sick that I don't need to fake it.

"I'll be back soon." JJ promises and slips out of the office.

Almost an hour passes before she returns. She's alone, which surprises me. I half expected Hotch to come with her and tell me I was off the team.

"Hey." She says by way of greeting.

"Gorgeous!" Garcia smiles at her. "I've got an appointment for our princess here at 2 tomorrow. Earliest I could get."

"That's great, thank you. I'm gonna stay with her tonight, make sure she's okay." JJ tells Garcia, knowing she'd worry if she thought I'd be alone while unwell.

"Let me know if you need anything." Garcia says. JJ promises she will and ushers me out of the room. We don't speak on the way to the car, but she squeezes my hand reassuringly at one point, silently telling me it'll be okay.

Once we get into her car I turn to her.

"What did he say?" I ask, no longer able to contain my worry.

"We've both got until Monday off, and he made me promise you won't be left alone until we all think it's safe. Also, he wants me to report to him, daily at the moment but weekly once you're improving. But you're not off the team, and he wants you to know he's there if you need." It's a lot better than I expected, although the idea of having someone with me all the time is disconcerting.

"Okay." I say, before turning to look out the window.

"It's going to work out, Em." JJ tells me.

"Yeah." I know I don't sound convinced but I don't have the energy to fake being okay.

We stop off at my apartment to collect the things I'll need. By unspoken agreement we've decided to spend the next few days at JJ's house, maybe because it's bigger or maybe because she worries that stopping me cutting will be too hard in my own apartment. She's right, it would be. I have stashes hidden in various places. The thing about cutting is once you start, it's addictive. It should come with a warning label. I read one online once, far too late for it to do anything for me, but they should show it to kids in high schools, maybe it'd stop them from taking the same awful path.

Once we get back to JJ's the nerves return. I've been in her house before, of course, but it's different this time. And not just because of why I'm here, there's also the fact that we've kissed and confessed we love each other. It changes everything and I feel awkward and nervous. JJ puts her keys on her key-holder and turns around to see me standing in the doorway, bag still in my hand.

"Just put it anywhere, we can sort it later." She says, so I put it to the side where neither of us will trip over it. "Do you want a drink? I'm having a coffee."

"A coffee would be great, thanks. Need a hand?" I ask. She shakes her head and directs me to the lounge room. I sit on her couch, perched on the edge and hands in my lap, and wait for her. She comes in with the cups in hand and passes me one before placing hers on the coffee table and flopping gracelessly onto the couch.

"What a case, huh?" She smiles. I nod and take a sip of my coffee.

"Yeah, least we got him though."

"Here's to us for catching him!" She giggles and we clink our coffee cups together. We're silent for a few minutes and my nerves start to fade, but then she puts her cup down and turns to fully face me.

"Em, we need to talk." I shut my eyes for a second, then reluctantly nod and put my drink beside hers.

"Okay." I agree. "Let's talk." She looks mildly surprised that I didn't put up much of a fight.

"Okay. How about we start with your self-injury? When did you start?" She asks.

"Not long after I started at the BAU. I mean, I did it a bit as a teenager, but I hadn't done it for years until when I started working here."

"Why? What triggered it?"

"Nothing triggered it, I just couldn't not do it, if that makes any sense."

"Um, no, sorry, it doesn't." She looks confused.

"I didn't need to do it before, other things worked. Working out, having a drink, whatever. It calmed me down, took the edge off. Then it didn't, and cutting did. So I cut." I still don't know if she gets it, but I think her confused expression lessens a bit so maybe she does.

"O-kay." She draws out the word. "What started it, though?"

"JJ, honestly, I don't know. I just get these really dark moods, where I have this intensely strong need to self-destruct. I always have, since I was a little kid, but I used to be able to do other things to make it go away. Wait it out. That doesn't work anymore, it gets worse and worse until I can't fight it. And if I try to wait it out, get around it, it takes a more severe injury to make it go away." It's a long speech, and by the end of it I'm on the verge of crying. I can feel the familiar burn of tears in my eyes. JJ pulls me into a hug and I totally lose it. I cry for what feels like forever before I have no more tears to shed. I'm so emotionally exhausted that I'm about to fall asleep right there on JJ's couch. She pulls back and looks at me.

"I want you to promise me something, Emily."

"What?" I ask, my speech slightly slurred from tiredness.

"Next time you feel like you need to cut, I want you to come to me before you cut."

"Mm-kay." I mumble before drifting to sleep.

I wake to the smell of dinner. The sky is still light, but it's summer so that's not surprising.

"Oh crap!" I mutter, remembering what I'd sleepily promised JJ. If I hadn't been so exhausted at the time I would have realized what she'd said, but in that moment I'd been half asleep and just agreed with whatever. There's nothing I can do about it now. I was raised to never break a promise, so I'll just have to work something out. Who knows, maybe JJ can help, although I seriously doubt it. Speaking of help, though, I decide I should probably see if JJ needs a hand in the kitchen. I stumble out to her kitchen, my body not quite awake even though my mind is.

"Need a hand?" I offer.

"Hey Sleeping Beauty. Sure, can you set the table?" I quickly find the cutlery and glasses. I place a set at what I assume to be JJ's favourite spot, based on the scuff marks on the floor from the chair, and another set at the seat opposite.

After dinner, an event that would have been comfortable if I weren't so edgy, we settled on the couch in JJ's lounge room.

"Em, we need to talk." JJ began. I shut my eyes briefly and sighed.

"Really, JJ? Now?" I asked.

"Relax, Em. It's not about your cutting." I had a split second of relief before JJ continued. "We need to talk about us. Or the kiss, or whatever you want to make of it."

"Oh, um, okay, yeah that's probably a good idea." I agreed, my speech disintegrating with nerves at the very thought of it.

"Okay, well since I brought it up, I'll start. I want to know if what you said back in the hotel room, and the kiss, was just heat of the moment or if you meant it." Wow, way to jump straight in there. I sat there silently, thinking about what to say. I could be honest and selfish, or I could do what I should and lie.

"I meant it." I say. Turns out I can't lie to JJ. JJ smiles.

"Good, so did I." She leans in and kisses me gently, taking my hands in hers and when she breaks the kiss she leans her forehead against mine.

"What does this make us?" She asks me.

"I don't know." I murmur, my mind in too much of a whirl to think straight. JJ just kissed me! I mean, yeah, she kissed me the other day but that was in an overly emotional time and I'd just been crying. She's a much better kisser than I remembered, even if it was totally chaste and not the kind of kiss I really wanted.

"Me either. That's okay; we can figure it out as we go. For now…." She trailed off and kissed me again. This time I was less stunned and managed to kiss her back. Neither of us had any inclination to move things along, content to take things slow. Besides which, while I loved JJ, rushing into a sexual relationship was probably not the best idea at present. So after a few kisses we did the washing up, watched a movie and decided to bed, in separate rooms.

As we were about to head into our respective rooms, JJ in her room and me in the spare room, JJ paused and looked at me.

"Emily, can I trust you not to hurt yourself?" she asked me, her blue eyes staring at me intently. I was about to give an automatic and flippant 'I'm fine' answer when I stopped and reconsidered. This was JJ, and she was placing a lot of trust in me by asking that question and expecting an honest answer.

"I…I don't know." I told her, ducking my head to avoid the hurt I expected to see in her eyes. I saw her feet come closer to me and felt her hand slip under my chin and tilt my head up.

"Thank you for not lying." She said and I gave a small shrug. "Is there anything that will help you get through the night without cutting?" she asked. I thought about it.

"I don't think so. Once I'm asleep I'll be fine, it's just a matter of holding out until then." I answer.

"Okay, I'll stay with you." JJ says. I shake my head.

"I can't ask you to do that, JJ." I tell her and she rolls her eyes at me.

"You're not asking, I'm telling you….unless you're uncomfortable with me staying with you." She adds, uncertainty filling her voice.

"No, I just don't want to be an inconvenience." I reply, cringing at the thought of burdening her.

"You're not an inconvenience, Em. Come on, let's go to bed." She says and pulls me towards her room, with its bigger and more comfortable bed. I wait for her to hop in before I slide into the vacant side of the bed. JJ pulls me into a hug and places a soft, chaste kiss on my cheek.

"Go to sleep, Em. You're safe with me."


End file.
